Times Like These

Film diary and finding comfort between California, New York and Japan

“How was…everywhere” is the first question I was getting asked while catching up with friends, coworkers, acquaintances and everyone in between since travelling from California, New York, and Japan last month. Truthfully, while I was coming back home, I felt I didn’t know how to answer the question. My typical answer was “It was amazing, but I’m happy to be home.”

Being gone for a month and a half from your day-to-day life will do that to you. I love travelling, I’ve spent a lot of my early 20s going away to visit my friends in the U.S. When I was 21 I went to New York 3 times within the span of 2 months. I made a life for myself outside of Toronto. From then to now, I think I really learned to fall in love with the feeling of being at home. I noticed a lot of the anxiety I felt before going away on all three of these trips in April to May was around “abandoning” my routine for almost a month and a half to adjust myself to everywhere I was going.

It’s not that I can’t go with the flow and be present with wherever I am, the key difference between now and previous years I’ve gone away is the routine and life for myself that makes me excited to wake up every day. I think back to when I was 21 to 22, how I would go to LA and New York so often almost as if part of me was trying to escape the life I have in Toronto. I was happy, but mostly because I always had something to look forward to.

Presence is something I’ve written about countless times now, everything just comes back to it. While preparing for my month of many travels, and while I was gone, I was constantly trying to find the fine line between being present with where I was and planning how I could ready myself for where I was going to be next. In the past, presence wasn’t much of a thought to me while I was going away. I was constantly in the moment of where I was, but found myself crashing when it was over—only finding excitement again because I had something else to look forward to. Throughout April and May, I had countless experiences to find excitement in, but I wanted to come home feeling like I actually I lived each one without already thinking of “what’s next”, to the point where I could sit here and reflect on how I felt during each trip as if they happened yesterday.

One of the most interesting parts of travelling to the same place repeatedly over time is noticing how different you can feel about the place as you continue growing up. I’ve gone to LA/California 7 times since I was 22, this past time being my 3rd time going for Coachella. This year was my favourite Coachella I’ve been to. I finally felt like I knew what I was doing, how to keep myself in scenarios where I was having fun and taking everything in, and getting to see the sets I wanted to see. I got everything I wanted out of it, which was primarily just to dance and experience some of my favourite artists with people I care about. I didn’t place pressure on myself to be around people I didn’t need to be around, I made it about making sure I had fun and could leave feeling fulfilled.

Outside of Coachella, I noticed this is the first time the illusion of LA and what I used to want from it broke. There was a time period where I felt like all I wanted was to live there. I can see now it would’ve been the worst decision I could make for myself, it would’ve been for all the wrong reasons. Before/after Coachella, most of the comfort I found there was within doing what I would do at home—except with someone by my side. I stayed in Long Beach for the first two nights with my friend Madi and it was the perfect way to start what would be a chaotic month and a half of travelling. There was a lot of comfort in us making dinner together while watching Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, going to the beach, just talking and enjoying each other’s company. Or while I was staying at my friend Emily’s in North Hollywood, we would go on 30 minute walks to get coffee, run errands, or plan outfits from her closet.

I used to be very enamoured by the party-lifestyle in LA, but I’m learning slowly that’s whats keeping me away. What keeps me coming back are the times where I’m sitting in one of my friends’ cars and we’re just talking. Going for Coachella means I’m only partying at Coachella, outside of that I just want to spend quality time with my long distance friends—even if that just means sitting and staring at a wall.

New York this year was different than any other trip I’ve been on there. All I wanted to do there was practically live the way I do at home, except in New York, just for a few days. I had plans each night I was there, but spent the days mostly alone just exploring parts of the city I hadn’t seen. I’ve seen my friends Nat and Selin practically every time I’ve been in the city since 2019, seeing each other always feels like time never passed. We had the most divine potluck at Nat’s apartment, Selin and I saw Magdalena Bay, and I just got to meet the most sweet people every day. Peace is probably the last word that comes to mind when people think of New York, but this time around I felt it. I don’t think I’ve felt that any other time I’ve been in New York, but I’ve always been busy every other time. Looking back, I think it was the most peaceful I felt during my month and a half away from home.

New York and Japan almost bled together in a way. I had two days home between each trip, it was practically nothing. I also should preface I did practically pack for all three trips before I left for LA on April 5th—so I didn’t need to worry about that when I got home from New York. I won’t lie, the start of Japan felt ROUGH. I think I got sick when I came home from New York, but I continued to push myself when I got to Japan because I was so excited to be there. My throat fully got inflamed from trying to fight the sickness. We were staying in Shibuya at the start of the trip, which was definitely super overwhelming and didn’t help. I started feeling a lot better Osaka came around, and that’s when I truly started to feel myself settling in to Japan. The food was unreal, my brother and I found a coffee shop we went to every day, and I did some insane thrifting there.

We day-tripped to Kyoto and Nara during our time in Osaka and the Nara Deer Park was one of the best experiences of the whole trip for me. You hear a lot of stories of the deer being aggressive towards people when they’re being fed, but I felt the opposite. Beyond some nudges, they were very peaceful with me and my mom. I sat by a little stream with one, while my mom sat opposite of me with another. It was a really sweet moment. I know I love being around animals but sometimes I forget how calming it actually feels to be around them—especially these deer. I felt like Snow White!

We got back to Tokyo and stayed in a more local area, Ueno. I took my whole family to Yoshitomo Nara’s favourite izakaya south of Ueno, Tatemichiya. We ate some of the best food of the trip here—well taken-care of by their sweet staff, and surrounded by Nara’s drawings on the walls of the bar from when he’d visit. The cigarette vending machine was also everything to me. Walking around alone this portion of the trip also just felt more comforting, I accidentally walked through the most beautiful park, where old couples were on afternoon strolls and kids were catching dragonflies with their parents.

The greatest highlight of Japan was just spending time with my family. It’s been forever since we’ve all been together in that way. I hadn’t spend that much time with my older brother in years. I spent a vast majority of the trip walking around with him and geeking out over what we used to bond over when we were kids. His girlfriend, now fiance, and him celebrated their 10 year anniversary—and he proposed to her on the trip. She’s practically my older sister. I’ve known her since I was 12, it feels unreal that they’re engaged. When he told me about his plans to propose, it felt like the first realization of how much is gonna change within my family. I didn’t realize until just before Japan how individually we all live our lives. We have our dinners together, we live together, we’re all very close, but like I said, we hadn’t spent time with each other the way we did on this trip in a while. It was overwhelming at times, but the whole premise of quality time made me appreciate the trip even more.

It took a while to ease back into my routine and feel at home since coming back. Now that I have, I’ve felt a whole new sense of appreciation for everything I got to experience while travelling. I feel a lot of happiness looking at all the film photos from every place. I had a hard time trying to figure out how to write about my trip in a way that felt meaningful to me and when I got the pictures back I felt immediately re-inspired. I’m so grateful for everything I got to see and the time I got to spend with both myself and the ones I love.