She's in her mid-20s, real intelligent

A tribute to the growing pains of 24 to ring in my 25th birthday

Couldn’t wait to turn 15, then you blink and it’s been 10 years.

It’s my 25th birthday today. Leading up to today, I’ve been re-visiting a lot of music I haven’t listened to in a while. A LOT of which following the idea of growing up, and with the intention of noticing how it feels listening to these songs now versus maybe even a year ago.

I’ve always loved and felt connected to ‘Secrets from a Girl (Who's Seen it All)’ by Lorde. It’s my go-to song whenever I feel reminiscent or I’m going through a period of transition. It’s my favourite off Solar Power. I hadn't listened to it in a while, but when I heard the lyric “Growing up a little at a time then all at once,” it felt so specific to what being 24 and turning 25 feels like.

This past year, especially the last four months, has felt like a million lessons about me, who I’m growing into, being crammed into a crash course. The best way I can explain it is I feel like I’ve “willingly” forced myself into growing up. I knew for a while before my birthday that the first thing I wanted to do was write at midnight to reflect on the many many MANY lessons I’ve learned/continue to learn about myself and life this last year.

I know while I write this in my journal right now that I have intent to share this on Substack, and typically when I write for Substack, it’s a series of typing and un-typing words/sentences on my laptop while I put together a post. Today, something made me want to write this specific post on paper before I scan and type them out on my laptop, kind of like I’m letting people see what I’d edit or scratch out before it gets shared.

24 going into 25 has felt extremely difficult, but not in the ways where I really “went through” anything—some sort of adversity on a physical scale (if you don’t count breaking my wrist). I experienced such amazing things and made exciting memories, but I still felt a sense of emptiness, or as if I didn’t fully live through these experiences. I think I truly came into myself this year, and that’s what made it feel difficult. Navigating my emotions, my thoughts, and above all, learning how to become more present in my day to day life. It went past understanding who I am to others or who I want to exist as, but instead it turned inwards and made me want to learn to observe my mind’s patterns and physical/mental reactions to my emotions—as a means to dis-identify with my mind and become fully present to what’s in front of me.

I learned a lot about resentment this year, it was something I wanted to free myself of within certain relationships—but also in relation to myself in the past. I think my past-self felt, and on some days still does feel, like a huge trigger for me because of how much of my identity I allowed it to hold. It was to a point where I felt it preventing me from enjoying the present. I’ve learned to feel a strong love for who I was in the past, especially between 17 to 20. I found it really difficult to process any sort of grief, pain, insecurity, or suffering while growing up. I felt like “pushing forward” was always my only option to get through adversity, so I’d often retreat, mentally or physically, as a means of not knowing how to process my own hurt. I noticed this left me to process my pain years down the line, and I’d feel everything as if I was re-living it all over again. This year however, I noticed as “issues” would arise, and of course they did, I actually took the time to feel and accept each emotion as it was, without trying to fix them for immediate results or change them. There were points where I felt so aware of my emotions that I was overwhelmed by how much was coming at once, but accepting them was what helped me not continue to dwell on them.

Bringing my focus to dis-identifying with pain and conditioning from the past is something I’ve actively been learning, especially since I spent so much time living closely and comfortably to it. Holding onto my pain, even when it came from a place of self-reflection, subconsciously kept me tethered to the familiarity of unhappiness in my past when I could instead find joy in the present—somewhere I’m not currently experiencing pain.

Something about turning 25 feels like a fresh start, maybe that’s to be expected when you feel the weight of what you’ve learned in a year. Another lesson learned falls within that idea of “there being something to be learned within everything.” If I’m being honest, I didn’t fully understand the weight of that notion until more recently. When I broke my wrist, it was really easy to become a bit depressed and discouraged—all I though about was what I couldn’t do for the time I’ll need to spend recovering. After, I chose to listen to advice from my mom and look at what it could teach me. It became an opportunity to slow down—something I had a hard time doing throughout 2024. I hadn’t bedrotted (in a way that was healthy) in a really long time. Spending 5 days after my wrist surgery doing nothing but reading, watching movies, and enjoying being alone was something I didn’t know I needed so badly in my life again. It was the best way to unwind before today and all the festivities coming.

During that time, especially the time spent reading, I realized I’m a SERIAL daydreamer. While learning to become more present, I noticed there’s always a part of my mind that floats off from what I’m doing and goes into deep imagination—typically while I’m alone. I often visualize real-life scenarios in my head, particularly upcoming events, and when I’m actually there I feel almost “disappointed” that it isn’t the same as it was in my head. I’m trying to focus on catching myself in those moments. I think that’s what could help me become more tuned in to what’s actually in front of me.

All of this, a new year, a “new” headspace” of sorts, and many lessons learned feels like a lot to process. 24 felt like the year of not only growing up and seeing my life in new ways, but stepping into a different type of consciousness. It’s both intimidating and exciting—that’s generally how I’ve felt leading up to turning 25. I’ve read so much about the growing pains felt from 24 to 25 and experienced my own share of them, but I feel ready to take on this next year with presence, an open mind, and lots of gratitude around me.

A very happy fully developed frontal lobe to me and everyone who celebrates. If you don’t—have a boring Thursday tbh.

xoxo

Izzy <3