How I'm Feeling Now
Reflecting on post-vacation blues from LA, NYC, and Japan
The anxiety that comes with post-vacation blues is not new territory for me—readjusting to routine after a trip (or several) for a long period of time always feels a bit difficult. I’ve just come home from travelling to California, New York, and Japan over the last month and a half, and while I had a great time on each trip, my head is currently looming with a million thoughts and feelings upon return home. Towards the end of each trip, I felt excitement to be back home. I think when you become more appreciative of the life you have at home and the routine that leaves you fulfilled everyday, it makes it not only harder to leave—but harder to come home. Being around people consistently over the last month and a half made me realize how much I value the time I make for myself, which feels funny to write now, considering at the end of 2024 I wrote about how I felt anxious in isolation.
Charli XCX’s album ‘how i’m feeling now’ celebrated its 5 year anniversary recently. It had me thinking about the significant themes on the album—isolation, contemplation and reflection, love and relationships, and the desire to live life to its fullest—and how I’ve found so much relatability within them in my current post-vacation blues state. I found myself practicing a lot more presence within each trip this year in comparison to previous ones, applying what I learned about myself throughout 2024 to make sure I fully felt like I was immersed in each one. The desire to live my life to the fullest, experiencing every bit of where I was, fuelled my presence—but even then I noticed the way my mind would wander to other anxieties, responsibilities I knew I had waiting for me back home, specifically the concerns I feel around my future.
I’ve talked about how the 24 to 25 transition felt like a big point for “growing up,” and while it’s natural that I still feel those weird existential moments, they feel especially apparent right now. Coming home from a vacation, no matter how great it was, always makes me feel like I’ve missed out on something. Towards the tail end of my Japan trip up to now, this has felt exceptionally present as I recoup myself and settle back in. I feel a crazy amount of gratitude for what I was able to see and experience this last month, at some point I want to write about it, but right now feels like the perfect opportunity to get what I’m feeling out in the world to accept it without forcing a change on it.
I’ve thought about that feeling where you come so close to success that you trick yourself into thinking you’ve already succeeded a lot in the last few days. Throughout the beginning of 2025, especially February to early April, I’ve come to realize that’s been a big thing for me. I had a lot of excitement come my way—job interviews, just feeling like my career was finally heading in the direction I wanted it to, and some things ended up not working out. There’s a variety of reasons, but I think hyping myself up for these exciting moments ahead of my vacations led me to a deeper sense of disappointment coming home. I can tell I’m feeling a pressure on myself with where I’m at in my career right now, I’m confused at my want for alone time but also yearning to immerse myself into my social life after being gone for so long, and I’m doing a lot of reflection on my role in my relationships. All in all, there’s just a lot going through my head that needed to be let out.
I just got home two days ago, a lot of this seems to be coming from my desire to have immediate control on things I put off while on vacation (we all know how unrealistic that is). I kept myself pretty occupied during the day yesterday—going outside for a walk, reading, cooking, and I didn’t start feeling a lot of the anxieties I’m expressing until later in the day. I missed writing a lot while I was gone, and when I started to notice my head turning, I knew this was the first place I wanted to let everything out to.
While I truly had great vacations all around, I know I’ll feel the best parts of it when I’m a bit more adjusted and out of the post-vacation blues spiral. Seeing all of my friends in the U.S., going to Coachella again, and travelling Japan with my family was a dream that I’m in disbelief I got to experience within just over a month. And yes there’s dust flying out of my wallet from how broke I am after all of the above.